Jordan's 2009 Power Rankings - Week 7

Oh, The Horror

I am writing this column surrounded by kids in Halloween costumes, who are setting the stage for teenage obesity by consuming massive amounts of sugar at an EMC holiday event. I highly approve of Halloween – it instills in the young two pillars of modern life – terror and bad eating habits.

I got a head start on both this week when I was munching Peanut Butter Cups (purchased a little too early) while watching Monday Night Football and checking out this week’s matchup with the Dangerous Minds. Suddenly I realized that I would be playing this week without my best running back, my best kicker, or my best wide receiver – Ocho, Gostkowski and Ced Ben. Then, Mike trades for Calvin Johnson. If Johnson is healthy, he’s playing St. Louis. Mike is aiming for triple figures this week. He owes me a pasting after dropping a 1 point decision to me week 1.

We are halfway through already – it’s difficult to believe how fast the season is flying by. John, Mike and Tom are on life support, but five other clubs are battling for 4 playoff spots. Hugh and I are set up to run into the playoffs if we can get to 8 wins. Anything less than that is a roll of the dice this season.

This week’s rankings…

1. Fight-in Camels – Everyone in New England is on their knees praying for the Phillies right now, and a few of those blessings are spilling over to the Camels, who continue to lead the league in Game Points (448). That’s 64 points a week – a very impressive season-long performance. Last week’s close loss to the resurgent Dangerous Minds notwithstanding, this continues to be a team to be reckoned with. Miles Austin has come out of nowhere to contribute big.
2. Northboro Steroids – This is hell week for the Steroids – we’re giving Mike an inadvertent walkover because of bye weeks. But the Steroids are finished with bye week issues after week 8, and have proven tough customers when running at full strength, as reflected in their .612 Relative Won-Lost Percentage. Matt Schaub has been spectacular for the Steroids – only Mr. Thomas Brady has put up more points at quarterback.
3. Midwest Marauders – In these pass-happy days, it’s good to have top-notch receivers. So how happy is the 5-2 Chicago Mob to be packing the #1 (Reggie Wayne) and #3 (Andre Johnson) wideouts in the league? Hugh can also point at himself as a primary driver of his own success. He has posted 10 whiffs in seven weeks so far – they are squeezing value out of every position on the roster.
4. Garvey’s Gangsters – Rich is the King of the Bench Points – his club racked up 148 points last week including 83 off the bench. In fact, Rich’s Game Point Percentage (Game Points divided by Total Points) is .508 – last in the league. All that aside, The Garv has a boatload of talent including Laurence Tynes of the Giants, who is the #1 kicker in the league at the moment. An importance matchup with the Northern Spies is on tap for this week.
5. Dangerous Minds – Mike is pulling out all the stops – even pulling off a trade for Calvin Johnson this week – in an attempt to make a late playoff run. He needs to win this week’s matchup against Northboro – who is coming to dinner without their dentures. Mike’s Game Point Percentage (.707) is far and away the best mark in the league, so he is managing at a Bellicheckian level so far this year. This is the scariest club in the league, despite their record.
6. Northern Spies – The club that has been winning ugly all season lost ugly last week. The Spies are seventh in Game Points, fifth in Total Points and seventh in relative won-lost percentage. If they win this week’s matchup with Garvey, they’ll also be well on their way to a playoff berth.
7. Georgia Satellites – John suffered his usual travails against Northboro last week, losing to them for the fifth straight time going back to 2007. They have cleared 80 points twice in the last month, however, so the seven time champ could give the imposing Camels a run this week.
8. Rocky Brook – Last week was a better week for Tom’s luckless Oilers, as they put up 60 points for the first time since week 2. They’ll take another shot at it with Midwest this week.